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Category: Comedy

ELON MUSK BUYS US MILITARY TO WAGE WAR ON CLIMATE CHANGE

 

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

ELON ‘GENERAL ELECTRIC’ MUSK BUYS ENTIRE U.S. MILITARY, DECLARES WAR ON ‘CLIMATE CHANGE’: “WE ARE GOING TO KILL IT DEAD!”

From Jeff Wefferson

NOTE FROM JEFF: I want to make sure that people reading this realize that it’s A BIT OF SATIRE…not ‘fake news’, not an attack, not even ‘open criticism’…I’m just having a bit of fun, exercising my rusty comedy science-fiction writing skills; shedding some light on real issues of the day like the bloated military juggernaut;  the questionable nature of the whole ‘climate change’ thing and how, in reality, no one seems to know if it is, for example, a cause or an effect, and if either, of or from what, as well as how it really does seem to be treated just like a nebulous lurking bogey monster with a mind of its own; and good-natured poking at someone who I’m sure has the best interests of his fellow life forms and home planet at heart. What actually inspired this was the numerous posts on social media on how ‘Elon Musk is making his biggest investment ever…$700 million to help people to become financially independent’ or something like that. Read, enjoy…and ponder what I’m actually saying. Remember…”CC don’t surf.” Just in:  James Cameron, Arnold Schwarznegger and Clint Eastwood are joining the ‘CC team’, and Musk has been officially promoted: he’s now known as General Electric. See you in orbit 🙂

“Open criticism is the lifeblood of progress both in science and culture at large.” Dr. Nick Begich

SOUTH AFRICAN ENTREPRENEUR ELON ‘GENERAL ELECTRIC’ MUSK NUCLEAR ARSENAL TO BE DEPLOYED AGAINST EVIL ‘CC’

Very Large Array, New Mexico

 

Arecibo, Puerto Rico

ELON MUSK BUYS ENTIRE U.S. MILITARY FOR UNPRECEDENTED $700 TRILLION USD

South-African/Canadian Entrepreneur Elon Musk shocked the world last week…using both direct and alternating currents…with his purchase of the entire U.S. military, for an unprecedented cash outlay of $700 Trillion usd. “I had to break into my piggy bank for this one, but what the heck…it’s for a good cause”, Musk replied when asked if this move would affect him financially. This deal, brokered by Goldman-Sachs, significantly shifts the balance of global economic and geo-political power.

In this transaction Musk has gained ownership of

 

16) 87,009,655 dru

1) 10,234 nuclear missiles

2) 874 battleships, destroyers and aircraft carriers

3) 278 nuclear submarines

4) 423 satellites

5) 290 high-powered microwave transmitters

6) 78,944 DEW’s (directed energy weapons)

7) 776,930,544 drones

8) 27,885 fighter planes and bombers

9) 872,775 tanks

10) 10,467,288 personnel in the ‘big four’ armed services

11) 17,556,833 bureaucratic functionaries

12) 234,445 military intelligence personnel

13) 88,334,678 assorted guns

14) 2,234,456,787,002 rounds of ammunition

15) 946 official and 3,344 unofficial military bases in over 200 countriesms of nerve gas

17) 234,556,812 flame throwers

18) 665,778,933 grenades

19) 543,981,245 land and sea mines

20) 776,901,664 cannisters of germ warfare brew

21) 778,990 $3000 screw-drivers

22) the science and engineering departments of every major college and university

23) controlling stock in most major corporations and banks

24) the Pentagon

25) Hollywood

26) the CIA, NSA, NGA and other assorted TAO’s

28) 887,993,566 remotely-controlled dolphins, donkeys, snakes, spiders, ticks and amoebas

29) the ‘next generation’ of administration secretly installed since 9/11

30) thousands of ‘top secret’, ‘classified’ and ‘black budget’ projects (some of which Musk has already been involved in, like the reverse engineering of interstellar space-craft)

(source: CIA’s Fun Facts to Know and Tell 2017)

Musk is quoted as saying “I’m confident that I got a really good deal, all in all…even I was a little surprised by what all was included in the package. It even has a money-back guarantee. If I’m not happy with its performance I can return it within 60 days, no questions asked, as long as nothing is damaged or has scratches.”

When asked about the 112,334,445,755,866,644,433,888,976,002.01 barrels of oil that are included with the purchase…enough to power the entire U.S. military machine for several hundred years and worth $700 trillion usd alone…Musk replied, “That’ll do for now, but once the war’s over, we won’t be needing all those hydro-carbons…”

War? What war?

“You might be wondering what I’m going to do with the world’s most powerful military under my direct control. You guessed it…WE’RE GOING TO WAR ON ‘CLIMATE CHANGE, which is clearly the biggest enemy humanity has ever faced, other than alien invaders from a dying planet. No more pussy-footing, enough is enough. We are going to hit climate change right in its sorry ass and blow it to smithereens. We are going to blast it with everything we’ve got. We are going to kick it’s ass AND in its nuts. We are going to rip ‘at turkey’s face clean off. We are going to KILL IT DEAD. Go ahead, CC…make my day. If CC thinks it can get away with any more F5 hurricanes on custom trajectories, terrible floods, heat waves that wont’ let up or other extreme weather…well, it’s got another thing coming.  If all else fails, we are going to call up King Kong and get him to open up a can of kakkalaky whoop-ass on this mother. By the way, CC don’t surf.”

We asked Musk if he was concerned about the ecological foot-print and environmental damage that the U.S. military is responsible for, being by far the greatest polluter on the planet.

“If the war goes according to plan, none of this is going to matter. I may as well spill the beans. See, our strategy is straightforward:  NO CLIMATE = NO CLIMATE CHANGE. We are going to decapitate climate change by getting rid of the Earth’s atmosphere, because with no atmosphere climate change will have no theatre of engagement, no platform from which to attack. What could make more sense? Those millions of drums of radio-active waste, discarded munitions, derelict artillery, sunken ships and subs, all that lead and DU lying around…all that will magically shoot off into space never to be seen or heard from again. Smooth, eh?”

When queried about the possible consequences to life on Earth from the destruction of the atmosphere, Musk retorted, “Collateral damage, that’s all I can say. Sad but true, this is something that the military has had to live with for decades, especially since the advent of weapons of mass destruction. The Pentagon’s top brass have all shared heart-felt grief and admit to having trouble sleeping at night…but…hey, war is war.

We wondered if the sudden change of command of the world’s most powerful military, believed by many to be the greatest peace-keeping and environmental stewardship force ever to exist, might create a window of opportunity for evil dictators to have a go at Uncle Sam. ‘No way. At this point, the government of every other country in the whole wide world has pledged allegiance to our cause…even North Korea…

All options are on the table, by the way, including nuclear, which we believe has the greatest potential for a quick annihilation of Earth’s entire atmosphere. Sure all larger life forms from all kingdoms will be killed straight away, but life in the ocean will be able to hang on a while longer, I mean those that don’t need oxygen, like the cyanobacteria on the deep sea vents. They’ll be fine, at least until the ocean evaporates into space. Which is where our command and control centre will be located.”

We asked Musk about the widespread loss of human life, almost everyone including all military personnel themselves. “You see, war has never been pretty. It’s a duty to God, country, and Climate Change, to put one’s life on the line in the service of a higher calling. To protect life by destroying it has pretty much been the bottom line of the U.S. military all along. This is nothing new, merely the ultimate sacrifice writ large. Besides, we’ll be fulfilling the dream of the eugenicist forefathers by finally accomplishing almost total depopulation, a goal they’ve been working to achieve all through the 20th century.”

“Besides, me and my crew will be fine in orbit. We’ll have plenty of attractive women to facilitate a gradual repopulation in our Mars colony, should we go with the option of retaining biological life, as opposed to the next generation of GMO life-forms that our friends at Monsanto have just come out with.”

Musk’s crew is reported to include such climate change heavy weights as NASA’s James Hanson, Church of Climatology priest and Club of Rome member Al Gore, and trans-humanist visionary Ray Kurzweil who will be Director of HTLF (How To Live Forever) Research. Inside sources are saying that Dr. Strangelove himself might be there, as well as Nicola Tesla, who is believed to have been transported off-planet by the same aliens who gave him the idea for alternating current and who will not have aged a day due to traveling at near-light velocities since 1943.

“See, our vision is first to eradicate the Earth’s atmosphere and oceans, leaving only the lithosphere, which, much to its credit, is not susceptible to climate change. Then we will rebuild civilization from scratch using advanced geo-engineering techniques and terra-forming based on hydrogen bombs and 3D printers. And the new trans-human population will be laughing because the automobiles they will be driving won’t need batteries.

See, the greatest problem we will have solved by eliminating the Earth’s atmosphere is the weakening of sunlight it is responsible for. With no atmosphere, the sunlight will be strong as and our fleet of trans-cars will need only solar panels. Of course, they will have really good heaters as well, since the nights will be close to minus 300 C with no atmosphere, but that’s a minor complication. We’ve got all this stuff thought out pretty well, pretty scientific eh?”

When asked about climate change deniers and skeptics, Musk was adamant: “We have a stance of zero tolerance for those unpatriotic wankers. How dare they not believe. Our new Climate Protection Agency will be deploying the latest in Denier Denial technologies to take care of those clowns. And once they’ve been reprogrammed, they’ll be stationed on the front lines and taught how to fire death rays and let off nuclear bombs.”

We had time for one more question before Musk departed in his state of the art electric helicopter (which has solar electricity blue-toothed to it) to have a look at the ‘Musk Purchase’ as this deal is being referred to.

We asked Mr. Musk where he came up with the idea of using the U.S. military to wage war on climate change by eliminating the Earth’s atmosphere.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret. Remember that movie Contact that had Jodie Foster playing a radio astronomer who received a signal from out yonder? Vega as I remember. Well, not many people know that after that film Jodie went back to college and got a Ph.D. in radio astronomy. She’s been working at not only Arecibo and the VLA, but also at my own private radio-telescope installation in the mountains above Kruger National Park. Guess what? A few years ago she received a series of highly sophisticated and deeply encrypted messages from somewhere out there which, after being decoded by my own personal bank of HAL, SAL and Cray super-duper computers, turned out to be…get this:  not blueprints on how to build an inter-dimensional transport device like in Contact, but instructions, flow-charts and algorithms all expressed in perfect mathematical form on a new type of highly intelligent smart software previously unknown on this planet. We have successfully transcribed the codes and uploaded it into our computer bank, and now the system is telling us exactly what to do. It gave us the idea of battling climate change by eliminating the Earth’s atmosphere, but that’s only the beginning. Rather than rebuilding civilization along the lines of what we have now, only with GMO and 3D printed life-forms and structures, this ‘intelligence’, which we are calling ‘TESLA’…Terminating Every Single Life-form Algorithm…is strongly recommending that we cover the entire surface of the Earth will solid-state electronic circuitry, creating a planet-wide super-duper computer network with a mind of its own which will then move the Earth…no longer to be called Earth but MUSK…Mutated Understanding in Search of Knowledge…out of orbit to go in search of other entities like itself, in order to have a bit of company, kind of like a blind date. But this is another story…

“But now to the matter at hand:  “GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH…CLIMATE CHANGE WE’RE GONNA DO YA’…”

Thank you Elon Musk.

(and thank you Jeff Wefferson!)

Source:

https://synthaissance.blogspot.com/2017/10/elon-musk-buys-entire-us-military-going.html

The Ardern Effect: A Disturbance In The Force!

Not so long ago in a galaxy not very far away….

A planet divided: Two factions battle for control: The Republic Alliance and the Democratic Independant Union. But behind the scenes, a dark power is manipulating both sides to instigate an all-powerful New World Order….

Readers familiar with my blogs will know of my fondness for comparing science fiction plots to real-world politics and conspiracies, so I was amused to see that New Zealand Labour Party’s new leader, the charismatic and much-hyped Jacinda Ardern, has now been compared to Star Wars character Princess Leia, in association with the phrase “A New Hope”:

Ardern Leia star wars

Not so long ago in a city, far, far away, Sam Sharpe held a sign different from all others.
That sign – a stencil picture of Jacinda Ardern as Princess Leia – was spotted among the hundreds of supporters who gathered to hear the Labour leader speak in Dunedin on Friday.
Ardern called out Sharpe’s name, thanked him for his artwork, and later posed for a photo with the artist.

Ardern, who was shown the Princess Leia ‘A New Hope picture’ before her Dunedin visit, said the work was “pretty flattering”.

It wasn’t the first time she had come across Sharpe’s work, with Ardern owning a stencil piece of Michael Joseph Savage.

“When she does her interviews it is always there behind her,” Sharpe said.
Sales of the Ardern prints had “gone bananas” and he was fielding sales request from all over the country.
The Princess Leia piece was easily his most popular artwork.

https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/96245638/Princess-Leia-Wonder-Woman-and-Jacinda-Ardern

So something becomes clear from the details. Jacinda Arden was already familiar with the work of this artist, and the placard in question has made a somewhat contrived and pre planned appearance. I’ve even noticed that Arden appears to be wearing a white robe in her new bill boards!

Ardern

But the Star Wars comparisons, as I hinted in the intro to this article, run deeper.

The Star Wars galaxy is initially controlled by two forces: the Republic and the Trade Federation. But a crafty senator is manipulating these powers to his own ends, instigating The Empire, which is opposed by  group of rebels known as the Alliance, who wish to re-instate the Old Republic.

Republic…Alliance? And does not the Trade Federation evoke comparisons to the DIU and their TPPA ?

Here’s George Lucas’s own explanation of the meaning of Star Wars:

“People who don’t play by the rules…”

Related:

Blue Vs. Red: NZ Opposition Accused Of Trying To “Bring Down” Australian Government!

Lots Of Hacking!

Thanks To Snafu. Nice one!

Trump Meets Pope: Picture Going Viral

 

I’m sure plenty will be having a crack at captioning this image of three smiling Trumps and a rather grumpy Looking Pope Francis.

Let me have a go:

“Nobody told me it was a Black Dress Event!”

Trump Meets Pope

Commentators have noticed the apparent difference from PF’s meeting with prior dignitaries, but as Time Magazine notes, it could be just all in the timing of the photo and some selective editing:

https://time.com/4792245/pope-francis-donald-trump-viral-photo/

 

Got Your Bunker Ready?

Russian Foreign Ministry’s Epic April Fool’s Day Prank

This is a Classic! Funniest part is that AP had to check if it was a joke or not!:

 

Russia is known for many things—communism, vodka and bizarre dancing, for starters—but one thing Russia is not well-known for is its sense of humor. Perhaps that’s about to change.

In what could go down as one of the most interesting April Fools’ Day pranks of all time, the Russian Foreign Ministry posted on its Facebook page an audio file that supposedly showed the agency’s new switchboard message.

The message begins with, “You have reached the Russian Embassy. Your call is very important to us.”

“To arrange a call from a Russian diplomat to your political opponent, press 1,” the recording continues (in both English and Russian). Users are then instructed to “press 2” in order “to use the services of Russian hackers.” For “election interference” requests, “press 3.”

The Associated Press reports—because, apparently, AP felt the need to check—it was able to confirm the recording was meant as a “joke.”

On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin criticized those in the United States who continue to play the “Russian card” to score political points, alluding to the Democratic Party. He also called the accusations of election interference made against his government “endless and groundless,” according to a report by CBS News.

https://www.theblaze.com/news/2017/04/01/russia-trolls-democratic-party-in-epic-april-fools-day-prank/

A Farewell To NZ Politician John Key

(To anyone who doesn’t know, blue is the colour of the NZ National party, and John Key, ex PM, left parliement yesterday)

“My My, Hey Hey (Out Of The Blue)”

My my, hey hey
Rock and roll is here to stay
It’s better to burn out
Than to fade away
My my, hey hey.

Out of the blue
and into the black
They give you this,
but you pay for that
And once you’re gone,
you can never come back
When you’re out of the blue
and into the black.

The king is gone
but he’s not forgotten
This is the story
of a Johnny Rotten
It’s better to burn out
than it is to rust
The king is gone
but he’s not forgotten.

Hey hey, my my
Rock and roll can never die
There’s more to the picture
Than meets the eye.
Hey hey, my my.

(Neil Young).

Image result for john key cartoon

Welcome To Hollyweed!

Washington (AFP) – The famed Hollywood sign high in the hills over Los Angeles got a little higher on Sunday, when someone altered two of its letters to make it read “Hollyweed.”

Police said unidentified thrill-seekers had climbed up and arranged tarps over the two letter “O’s” to make them look like “E’s,” CBS affiliate KCAL reported.

Each letter is 45 feet (13.7 meters) high, so the feat would have required not just bravado but considerable athleticism.

The daring act may have been taken in celebration of a measure approved in November, when California voters passed an amendment legalizing recreational use of marijuana.

A police spokesman said surveillance cameras might help them identify the culprit or culprits; the act was being treated as a case of misdemeanor trespassing.

It was not the first such incident since the sign was first erected in 1923 — at the time as “Hollywoodland” — to advertise a local real estate development.

Perhaps not coincidentally, the same lettering change to the sign was made exactly 41 years ago, when a California law relaxing penalties for marijuana use took effect.

That alteration turned out to be the work of a college art student, one Danny Finegood.

Along with friends, he later returned to the sign on Easter Day 1976 to make it read “Holywood,” and they changed it again in 1990 to read “Oil War” in protest of the Persian Gulf conflict.

Finegood’s original handiwork, which he considered an act of environmental sculpture, was done for an art class project, the Los Angeles Times reported.

Using $50 in sheets and ropes, he and three friends made the change — and Finegood received an “A” from his art teacher.

But while he might have inspired the latest act of hillside mischief, Finegood cannot be blamed for it. He died in 2007, aged 52.

Largely because of his work, however, Los Angeles officials increased security around the sign, installing a fence, alarms and eventually a closed-circuit surveillance system.

It is not clear how someone made it through those barriers Sunday, but Danny Finegood might well have admired their work.

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