LINDA LOVELACE REVEALED AS ‘DEEP THROAT’

Deep Throat Revealed to be Linda Lovelace
Posted by bitter tonic on Friday, June 03 @ 04:34:54 CDT

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WASHINGTON, DC (MGB) – Deep Throat, the secret source whose insider guidance was vital to The Washington Post’s groundbreaking coverage of the Watergate scandal, was none other than porn legend Linda Lovelace.

Lovelace’s identity as Washington’s most celebrated secret source had been an object of desire and speculation for more than 30 years until yesterday, when her role was revealed by her family in a Hustler magazine article. The identity of the famed Washington informer was a secret to everyone including Richard Nixon whose presidency Lovelace helped topple.

“Linda was always very political,” said cousin Larry Lovelace in the interview, “I remember in ’68 when she burned all her bras in the back yard. I broke out the hose to put out the flames and she tried to stop me by shoving the nozzle in her mouth. To this day I don’t know how she managed to get three feet of garden hose in there and I don’t wanna know.”

Although there were those who suspected Lovelace was Deep Throat, her repeated denials and the silence of the reporters she serviced, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, kept her identity cloaked in a shroud of shrouded cloakiness.

Highly respected reporters Woodward and Bernstein swore they would never reveal Deep Throat’s identity until after the mythical icon’s death. When asked why they waited so long to confirm Deep Throat’s identity when Lovelace passed away three years ago Woodward responded, “Linda’s dead? Holy shit! Are you fucking kidding me?”

Bernstein claims that although Lovelace was indeed their main source in their investigation, he does not wish for her legacy to overshadow the numerous other factors that went into the downfall of Nixon including other sources, investigators, high-impact Senate hearings, secret White House tape recordings, the decisive intervention of a unanimous U.S. Supreme Court, aliens, MC Lyte, the good folks at Pepperidge Farms, numerous circus animals including Floppy the Elephant and, of course, Pepsi One.

Reactions from those associated with the Nixon White House have been mixed to say the least. While Charles W. Colson, a senior Nixon adviser who served seven months in prison for obstruction of justice in connection with Watergate, praised Lovelace as “a true American in every sense of the word and a lady I’ve always wanted to have sex with,” former Nixon speechwriter Pat Buchanan called for the immediate exhuming of Lovelace’s body “so the bitch can be put on trial and burned at the stake after I have sex with her.”

Meanwhile in the current White House, President Bush expressed interest in learning more about Deep Throat, Lovelace and the entire Watergate scandal.

“Let me tell you something, Miss Lovelace was a fine actress. I’ve taken in her work numerous times. Often Laura and I would find ourselves watching her film and I would point at the screen and say, ‘more like that dear.’ That was a little joke between us.”

“Of course I look forward to reading more about this ‘Watergate’ thing and all that stuff. It sounds pretty cool… like a spy movie or something. In fact I just added The Bourne Supremacy to my Netflix list in order to get warmed up. That movie was awesome.”

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