(While there may be some debate over whether the following letter is a genuine article leaked to the public or a forgery almost indistinguishable from other policy statements from the Bush administration, the public should have the right to decide for themselves. So judge for yourself. –Charles Coughlin)
To: President of Iran
From: President of Amurrica
Mr. Moo-uh Abba-dabba-jen,
After carefully listening to a one minute summary prepared by my staff of your recent 18 page letter complaining about so-called wars of aggression by the US, torture and one-sided blind support of Israel, I have decided to write a letter back since -after all- I am the decider.
You clearly do not understand democracy, which is why you are part of the “Axis of Evil.” While you were elected president by a majority of your people, I became president in the year 2000 with a minority of the vote. While your latest election used paper ballots, which allow double checking of the vote, I was elected in 2004 by electronic voting machines in all the key states with no verifiable paper trail. Clearly our democracy is superior to your so-called democracy.
I intend to use the utmost restraint when dealing with your country, Iran. I will not take any rash actions. I will use the same deliberation and careful judgment that I have used before. This is why I plan to hold a prolonged conference with Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Richard Perle and the CEO of Halliburton before deciding if an attack on Iran should take place this summer or after the November election.
Iran and all the other enemies of America will be brought down. In fact, a new enemy of America has arisen. In addition to the evil-doers, there are now evil-talkers. This is why I authorized electronic spying on the communications of 200 million Americans. Since my approval rating has recently dropped to 29 percent , this means that 71 percent of Americans are most probably evil-talkers, asking questions like: “Why were we lied into the Iraq war? Why can’t we catch bin Laden? Why are we still in Iraq even though we know now the invasion was a mistake?” We cannot tolerate disloyalty like this if we are to remain a free nation. Dick Cheney has advised me to deal with this problem by shooting each one of these people in the face.
We must fight the evil-talkers who suggest a return to isolationist-ism. We know the names of some of these terrorist sympathizers: Thomas “Abu” Jefferson, George “Mahmoud” Washington and Patrick “Akhmed” Buchanan. I plan to lock all of these men up in Guantanamo Bay and to discover this “Constitution” that they keep citing for their Isolationist, evil-talker philosophy and destroy it.
George W. Bush
President of the Free World