A brace of hilarious-yet-nearly-true articles on the inauguration from the satire-masters at the Babylon Bee.
Most Popular President In History To Be Inaugurated In Secret Behind Giant Wall Guarded By Thousands Of Soldiers
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Joe Biden will be inaugurated this week, and due to his incredible popularity with the American people, he will be inaugurated in a top-secret location behind a massive 12-foot wall guarded by 30,000 soldiers.
“The reason President-elect Biden has to do this is that he’s just so incredibly popular,” said Don Lemon on CNN. “He has so many rabid fans that they might try to rush the stage as they’re overcome with enthusiasm and love for Biden who is by far the most beloved candidate who has ever run for President.”
In addition to the 12-foot electric fence topped with razor wire and the 30,000 heavily armed soldiers who have been vetted as Democrats, there will be flying drones programmed to target MAGA hats, a platoon of ninjas, and a moat filled with crocodiles dug all the way around the Capitol Building and White House.
Biden will then be escorted to a secret underground bunker patrolled by attack choppers where he will give the oath of office in a dark concrete room with all the recording equipment turned off.
“This is a slight break in tradition but it’s necessary because Biden is just so incredibly popular and loved by the people,” said Nancy Pelosi.
Sources say that Biden will be brought to an undisclosed location after the inauguration to live out his remaining days peacefully until Kamala Harris’s inauguration next week.
Appropriate: Biden to be sworn in on copy of The Communist Manifesto
The Babylon Bee
Tue, 19 Jan 2021
“My guiding tome,” he said proudly.
Joe Biden has announced his plan to be sworn in on his favorite text: a copy of The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels.
“I will do my duty to this country and swear on this book that represents the guiding principles of my party,” Biden said in a speech, every word coming out with the utmost effort and with the help of a powerful concoction of drugs. “For as long as I am your president, whether that is 8 years, 4 years, or less than 24 hours, I will uphold my oath made on this sacred text.”
Not every president has been sworn in on the Bible, with Barack Obama being sworn in on a copy of one of his memoirs and George W. Bush being sworn in on a VHS copy of Delta Force. Still, some are criticizing the choice, calling it “anti-American” and “a clear sign of his support for socialism.” These people have had their Twitter accounts deleted for being crazy conspiracy theorists.
Kamala Harris has said she still plans to be sworn in on a Bible, but during rehearsal they were having trouble getting her to touch one without hissing and vomiting with her head spinning around like a lawn sprinkler.
Martin comments: You can either laugh or cry, so you may as well laugh! Thanks Babylon Bee!
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Dean says: I laughed so much I had to go change my underwear … which was strange because I wasn’t wearing any. The ‘yet nearly true’ article summary is very fitting, being grounded unfortunately in the way of things over here. In conclusion, I’d also like to mention those fabulous 4 ‘Ghost-busters’ who were deployed to Washington in case all the dead people who voted for ol’ Joe became violent — we thank you for your service guys. Also my heartfelt gratitude to the National Guard for proudly ‘turning the other cheek’ while they got screened for ‘anal attitude’, instead of hanging round universities looking for students to shoot.
Ghostbusters…LOL!
You know what would complete the picture? The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man stomping through the city like Godzilla.